How to Navigate the Holidays With Your Family While Wedding Planning
You’re engaged for the holidays!! You get to see all the excitement your family is going to have about your proposal and planning your upcoming wedding. This can be a lot of fun to start talking location ideas and coming up with design ideas but can also be very overwhelming. For some, this could potentially be downright stressful.
If you haven’t already, you may endure interesting opinions about weddings, your wedding, or things you “must” and “have to do” from family members. We were personally surprised at the things that suddenly were extremely important to our families when we started wedding planning.
We are going to provide you some ideas of how to handle tricky situations that may arise when you are with family and it comes to talking about wedding planning.
first
Get on the Same Page
First of all, it’s important to get on the same page with your future spouse. Things to discuss:
How do you both feel about talking wedding planning during the holidays?
Do you want to take a little time to just relax and enjoy this magical season?
Is it convenient or inconvenient to discuss at this time?
Will it create more pressure or drama?
If you disagree, for instance say one of you is perfectly fine discussing wedding plans and the other is adamantly against it, this is a great time to practice your compromising skills. Perhaps you could allow discussion about potential time of year and potential locations but no dress shopping or going too specific into all the little decisions. Or maybe you can pick just one day to discuss wedding plans so it doesn’t interfere with other activities. Maybe analyze just how important it is that you talk about it at this exact moment. Will it really be a huge deal if you discuss it in a few weeks instead?
If you just got engaged and…
A) You WANT to talk about wedding planning at the holidays:
Determine what topics you are happy to discuss and what maybe you want to save for the following year so you don’t get overwhelmed.
Date/Location
If you are still needing to set a date this is a great time to assess your closest families schedules or discuss any other major milestones coming up. It’s also a good time to discuss potential locations in case a family member needs to think about an updated passport or perhaps needs to budget for traveling to your wedding.
Guest list
Your family and your ideas of guests lists may greatly differ. Something to keep in mind: when our parents got married, it cost a LOT less to invite people. Nowadays a guest can cost anywhere from $65-$300+! If your mom is insisting her book club and their spouses be invited, it’s ok to tell her no, especially if you are footing the majority of the bill or simply would prefer not meeting random strangers at your wedding. Again, keep in mind this discussion may create tension, so tabling it for a later date is ok too!
We would strongly recommend you not commit to anything unless you already have a venue booked. For instance, the holiday before we got married we still didn’t have a venue booked. After choosing a venue a few months later that didn’t allow children - we were very glad we didn’t make any promises to aunts and uncles about their kids definitely being invited to the wedding.
Budget
This can be a tough one to discuss and could lead to some stress you may want to avoid at the holidays. Keep in mind, the tradition that the bride’s family pays for the wedding is actually a lot more uncommon nowadays. 100+ guest weddings can costs upwards of $30,000, so try to understand if your parents aren’t able to make that large of a financial commitment.
B) You DON’T WANT to talk about wedding planning at the holidays
If you want to be present and just enjoy this season without wedding discussion, that is 100% ok! Our biggest recommendation is to communicate this with your family, especially your immediate family. Kindly let them know you aren’t ready to discuss wedding plans just yet. You would prefer to enjoy this magical time of year as a family, not make it all about you, your fiance and your wedding plans. It can be helpful to share as soon as you are ready to discuss, you promise to let them know.
What to say to family who keeps asking about your wedding plans:
Keep in mind they are likely just excited for you. Some family members who don’t know you all that well may be using your wedding as a way to make small talk. Put simply, they aren’t quite sure what else to talk to you about. Remember the, “when’s the wedding” question you got 5 minutes after getting engaged?
Here’s an idea of something you could say (obviously you can customize this to fit how you speak):
“I really appreciate that you are so excited about my wedding! Fiance Name and I decided we aren’t ready to start planning just yet and would prefer to just enjoy this time of year with you. We can’t wait to share our plans with you once we make them next year.”
Next, ask them a question about their life or change the subject to something about them. Most people enjoy sharing about themselves, so by redirecting their attention to something personal, it can spare you from a conversation you may not wish to have. Topic ideas: the local sports team, their family, compliment something they are wearing or decor in their home and ask where they like to shop, or if they like the two new Taylor Swift albums.
Bonus: If you were supposed to get married in 2020…
We understand you may be going to holiday gatherings or doing Zoom celebrations after having been forced to postpone a wedding. Since a lot is still yet to be determined about 2021 weddings, you may be fielding a lot of questions from family members such as:
“Are you still going to have the wedding in 2021?”
“What are you going to do if you can’t have the wedding in 2021?”
“Will you postpone your wedding again if you can’t have it next year?”
“Have you thought about just eloping?”
“My friend’s kid’s aunt’s dog got married and here’s what they did…”
And potentially questions about travel arrangements, non-refundable hotel rooms, purchased outfits and other things they really don’t need to bother you with during the holidays.
Here’s what you can do:
Keep in mind that in most cases, even though they may be asking you things about your wedding for themselves, they are likely (possibly poorly) trying to find a way to sympathize and connect with you.
Here’s an idea of something you could say (obviously you can customize this to fit how you speak):
“I really appreciate that you are so excited about my wedding! Thanks so much for your concern and interest. Fiance Name and I decided after all the stress we endured this year, we would prefer to just enjoy this time of year with you. We can’t wait to share our plans with you once we know more next year.”
Next, ask them a question about their life or change the subject to something about them. Most people enjoy sharing about themselves, so by redirecting their attention to something personal, it can spare you from a conversation you may not wish to have. Ask them about: their kids, best shows they watched this year, did they find any new hobbies they discovered, do they have a great sourdough or banana bread recipe? Worst case, you can share some of your favorite shows, movies, recipes, games, etc.
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“Disclaimer: In December 2020 we are encouraging you please stay home. Unless you have been quarantining with your family, we are NOT advising travel or hosting travelers. We have made the decision to stay home instead of visiting our families. We prefer to skip this year in order to have many more years of holidays rather than potentially losing someone due to an asymptomatic super spreader. Please be safe! PLEASE wear a mask!”